Impressions In A Childs Mind

I recently spent the week in Dallas, Texas attending the eWomenNetwork Conference and as always I come home with a million ideas and ways to improve and create business but this time I came home with two very deep messages and I want to share them with you here…

The first message came from a speaker named Hyrum Smith. If you know Hyrum, you know that he is one of the founders of the company Franklin Covey. He was such a great and inspirational speaker…and he had us in tears laughing as well.

However, one of his lessons resonated with me so deeply that I felt the need to share it with you. It has to do with the ‘Power of Perception.’ In his Power of Perception program he gives us his reality model and 6 steps to change our behavior. One of the components of his reality model is the Belief Window.

Listen to how he explains the Belief Window:

“You have what I like to call a belief window. It sits in front of your face. A wire comes from the back of your head across the top and hooks onto that window. Every time you move, it goes with you. You look out into the world through this window. You accept information from the world in through this window. On this window you have placed thousands of principles that you have accepted as correct principles.”

Hearing this information was like getting smacked in the face for me. I teach people how to open up their minds and learn to hear other people’s opinions and ideas so that they can communicate better.

There were so many instances where I could go back and apply this information to a person who had beliefs and/or principles that were “messed up!” But here I want to talk about children. And I want to talk about your kids specifically or any kids that you interact with on a daily basis…because when you apply this theory to kids behavior you will be amazed.

I want to start out with a few examples so that you can better understand how I am applying this information:

• ·      You have a female child who is 10-12 years old. She has a father who is very sports oriented and male dominant, and a mother who is meek and quiet. She watches her mother get put down by her father many times during her young years.

         What do you think her belief window tells her?

• ·      Okay what about this one…a male child who is 10-12 years old who has a very mild personality unlike his parents. He gets upset easily and his parents tease him about being sensitive.

          What do you think his belief window tells him?

Many times parents don’t think about how their communication can impact their children as they grow

up. Simple actions that parents make and state can become principles or beliefs in their children’s belief windows if they hear them or experience them often enough.

Many times children will pick up beliefs or principles from the parents behavior, and the parent might not even be aware of it. For instance, if a parent does not like to communicate about things that are uncomfortable, the child may pick up that same belief and they too may have trouble communicating when things become uncomfortable for them.

However, there are all kinds of great principles that children pick up from their parents behavior as well. Things like great character, great work ethics, and even how to respect people.

If there is anything I want to convey to you, it is those things that directly impact your children, like how you interact with them personally. You have a ball of clay in your hands as a parent. It is up to you to mold it, support it, and create a valuable part of our universe.

Just remember when you communicate with your child, think about the belief you are creating in their minds. When you are disciplining your child, make sure you don’t say things that can cause hurt and beliefs of fear or anger.

If you have grown children, think about their belief windows…how much of what they believe is based on your principles that you taught them growing up?

What's In Your Belief Window?

Hyrum Smith is a remarkable speaker and brings energy, enthusiasm, and humor to his message – ‘The Power of Perception.’ You probably know Hyrum as one of the creators of the Franklin Covey Day Planner and the co-founder of the Franklin Quest Company.

One of the great things about Hyrum’s message about perception, as he will tell you, is that his message is nothing new. “The basic principles that help a human being be more productive and effective have not changed for 6000 years.”  What he will tell you is different, is how to people perceive things a little differently than they did 6000 years ago.

Hyrum shared his reality model with us, which consisted of five pieces:

• Human Needs
• Belief Window
• Rules
• Behavior Patterns
• Results

Sharing information on each of these pieces would take up more time than we have today, but I want to focus on one specific piece because I think it is so unbelievably important. That piece is called your Belief Window. Our Belief Window holds our principles.

Where do you think your principles come from?

They start out with our parents and we learn them along the way. Hyrum tells us, “The number of principles you have on your Belief Window is a function of your age. The older you are, the more principles on your Belief Window.”  

What I found interesting about the Belief Window is how we determine if we have bad beliefs within the Belief Window. You see the reality model is pretty easy to understand…we have needs, which create our principles within our Belief Window. Based on those principles we create rules and from those rules we create behavior patterns…and from those patterns we get results.

Sometimes those results are not what we want. We keep making the same mistakes over and over until we understand that we have to change our Belief Window. Let me give you an example of one of my principles that I once had in my Belief Window. Many years ago I had a principle in my Belief Window that caused me a lot of pain. My principle was to keep everyone at an arms length…never let anyone in too close. If I let anyone get too close to me, they would see that I am not as perfect as people think I am. In maintaining that principle I caused myself, and those around me that loved me, great pain.

Remember if the result continues to cause you pain; you must change your Belief Window. I finally learned that in order to eliminate the pain I needed to change my perception about my relationships. Once I made a change my life became so much more enriched. I changed my needs as they pertained to how I needed people to perceive me. I no longer keep those people who love me out of my life. I am more authentic in my relationships and I allow them to see my strengths and weaknesses.

Sometimes we can’t see where the breakdown occurs…we continue to feel the pain but don’t know how to make the outcome change. Hyrum shares another example of how our Belief Windows can cause us pain:

If you are interested in learning more about how our Belief Windows affect our perceptions, read more about The Power of Perception.

Check out Hyrum Smith’s new company Mycore… a training and technology company whose mission is to help individuals and organizations identify their core values and turn those values into habits. www.mycore.com

Are You Leaning In?

So many women are finding their voices through Sheryl Sandberg's book, 'Lean In'...As a woman do you find it hard to communicate something you want in your career?

How often have you waited for someone to notice how good you are instead of speaking up?

Check out the Facebook Community where women are sharing their stories!

Past, Present & Future

“I never want to arrive…I love the ride.”
Coco J. Ginger

Do you live in the past, the present, or the future?

I know the question might be a little confusing, but think about it for a minute…do you put more emphasis on the things that have happened in your past, or do you live for only today? Or worse yet, do you live only for what will be and never enjoy those things that are happening to you now?

If you were to ask that question of me, I would have to say that I do all three. My past is important to me, it has made me what I am today, and today is important to me because living in the present moment allows me to enjoy those thing that are happening now and I don’t want to get to my future and have missed those things that truly bless my life. My future…well that is equally important because I want my future to be as wonderful as my past and present…so I have to plan for that.

Saving the Good Things from Our Pasts…

There are people out there who have horrible pasts and they don’t care to recall anything from their past. However, there are people out there who have good pasts and wouldn’t trade them for anything in the world. I am in the latter category…my childhood and my adult past life are moments in time that I would never give up. Where they all good? No of course not…Did I make mistakes? Of course I did…don’t we all?

The one thing that I learned from my past was the importance of family. My most vivid memory of my childhood was our Sunday’s. As kids, my brothers and I got up and got ready for Sunday school and church. We attended with our grandparents. After church we came back to my grandparents’ house, where our parents would meet us for Sunday dinner. We ate at our grandparent’s house on most Sundays and so did my Uncles and cousins. My grandmother always had a house full on Sundays for her home cooked food and ice cream made in the ole-fashion hand cranked churn.

I also remember being at my grandparents’ house during the summer when our parents worked. We helped in the garden, snapped beans under the big maple tree and chatted with my grandmother, ate ice cream, and played all day long. I have great memories…

Those memories were passed on to my kids as they were growing up. We taught our kids that family is important and should always be cherished.

Live for Today…You only Get One Shot…

Enjoy what happens to you today because tomorrow it will be gone. So many times people live in the past or the future and they neglect all the wonderful things that are happening around them today. It reminds me of that story that circulated through email so many years ago about the woman who saved a beautiful tablecloth for a special occasion that never came. She never got to enjoy using the tablecloth because there never seemed to be a special enough occasion to bring it out.

When she passed away her daughter found the tablecloth still wrapped and never used. She wondered why her mother never used the beautiful tablecloth for their Sunday dinners, or holiday dinners….her mom wanted so much to use her new tablecloth for a special occasion but she never felt that any of her occasions were special enough. However, her daughter thought of so many times that were special.

For many our minds live in the past or think of the future and we can’t see the present in front of us. Our minds become distracted and we miss those things that we can never get back. When I walked away from being President at the company I worked for and the 6-figure income…the stress of trying to find something new consumed me. My future was so heavy on my mind that I was missing all the wonderful new things that were happening around me. When I stopped obsessing about the future, my present slowly appeared in front of me and I realized what I was missing…

Look to the Future…

Daniel Goldstein shared in his November 2011 TED speech, “we make decisions that have good and bad consequences…” How true is this? The decisions we made in the past, and make in the present will have an effect on our future. So while we are remembering the past and living in the present…we still have to think about the future.

Future oriented individuals believe that tomorrow is more important than today…and while I admit that the future is extremely important…I think the past and the present are also important. “I don’t want to get to the end of my life and find that I have only lived the length of it…I want to have lived the width of it as well…” Diane Ackerman

So learn how to balance the past, the present, and the future so you can enjoy all the aspects of your life.



How Well Do You Handle Criticism?

No one likes to be criticized no matter how open minded we think we are…right? When someone tells you that you are doing something wrong or that you should be doing it this way or that way, we tend to become defensive.

Gretchen Rubin from ‘The Happiness Project’ shared an article in Good Housekeeping this month that gave some great advice on ‘How to Handle Criticism.’ Her five suggestions were great advice to help us keep a positive attitude when dealing with criticism.

One of her suggestions is to “admit your mistakes.” Amen to that! As I get older I find that it has become easier to admit my mistakes, apologize for them and move on. I do agree with Gretchen, admitting mistakes helps build trust. I also think it helps build respect too. When people are secure enough with themselves to admit a mistake than I figure that I am secure enough with myself to accept their apology and let it go.

Gretchen shared some other great advice which you can find on the Good Housekeeping Website.

Studying communication has opened up my eyes and my mind to better ways to communicate. We communicate daily with our family, friends, work acquaintances, the barista at Starbucks who gives us our coffee, the man that helps us at the pharmacy…we communicate in so many ways that sometimes we don’t even realize it.

The one thing I have learned is that when people are criticized they immediately associate a negative judgment and or attitude. When that happens we lose sight of understanding the positive message that someone may be giving us. So here are some thoughts to consider the next time you feel like you are being criticized:

Take into consideration the person who is sharing the information.

For instance if your spouse shares information with you…are they really criticizing or are they sharing because they care? People in your life notice things all the time. Many will never say anything but on the occasion that they do…stop and listen. For instance, you feel like your Mom is criticizing how you raise your children, or your spouse thinks that you are too consumed with work.

While our first reaction is to defend our actions, instead step back without reacting and listen to what they have to say…are they just picking or do they really have some valid points. This is the time when you crank up your critical listening skills. Evaluate the appropriateness and importance of the information they are sharing. Remember the reason we use critical listening is to listen to other possible alternatives and make a choice.

 

The choice is still yours and how you use the information they are sharing with you is totally up to you. However, the one thing I want you to remember is that if criticism comes from someone you love and respect – you should pay attention.

If your spouse tells you that you are working too much…is there a reason why they feel this way? Are you working so much that your responsibilities at home are being put off, or does your spouse feel alone and missing you? While you may not be able to change your work hours, talking about the effects of long hours and how you can make changes to accommodate them will help your relationship and might help you feel less stressed in the long run.

Just looking at the way we react to an issue can help us be better communicators. Remember we all get off path and sometimes we need those that love us and care about us to gently remind us that we might be moving in the wrong direction. Listen, love, and make the right choice for you.

Books, Books & More Books!

"Always read something that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it."
P. J. O'Rourke

 

Don’t you wish you knew then, what you know now? You know back in high school when you might have goofed off a little too much instead of studying harder? As we get older we find it harder to learn new things. Not because we can’t comprehend new things, but because we have to seek out new things on our own.

Many people are not motivated to generate new ideas and thoughts. They take what is handed to them through day to day duties at the office. What are you doing about feeding your mind and helping yourself continue to grow?

How does one continue to grow when we are no longer in an environment that fosters learning?

If you have been out of school or college for a while or no longer work in a career that helps you learn new things what can you do to help encourage growth on your own?

I have one answer – READ!

I am in the habit of reading 2-3 books at a time. The more I read, the more I learn. What better way to learn something new than to read a book by an expert. Let me give you a few tips on finding books that can expand your mind, your world and your imagination.

Career

• Look for books that are written by authors that have credentials; from those who have the experience on the topic that they are writing about.

• Books that can help you improve your craft are always great to read as well. If you work in customer service, find some books that can give you some new fresh ideas about how to service your customers. Be open to learning new tricks of the trade…I guarantee you will be a winner in your office!
• Have you ever been at a networking event and found someone who could have a conversation about every part of their business? Yep…those people are readers. They read anything and everything that passes under their noses. It might be newsletters, it might be blogs, and trade magazines…you name it they read it. They know the power of reading and they use it to grow their business.
  
  While it is important to stay on top of your trade, you should also find books that help you expand your general business knowledge. For me authors like Daniel Pink, Sally Hogshead and
  

  

  Simon T. Bailey are on my iPad. Find books that help you open your mind to new ways to do business.

Personal Improvement

• Find books that can help you improve yourself personally. For instance, if you need help learning to organize your house, look for authors like Peter Walsh. Oprah thinks he is the best! While he does have some books out there…he also has some great online material as well.

• Open minded people want to learn a little bit about everything and when you allow your mind to be open to new concepts you develop an understanding of different cultures, viewpoints, religions, etc. Educating yourself about how others view things is a great way to learn and grow personally. Have you ever wanted to know about a different religion than yours? Pick up a book and read about it.

• Autobiography’s is another big part of my reading list. I just recently finished Sheryl Sandberg’s – Lean In and I loved the life story of Coco Channel. If you respect someone who has an autobiography you should most definitely give it a read. You will find out things that you never knew and be introduced to perspectives you never dreamed of…

• Reading books by authors such as Kelly Corrigan and Isabel Gillies helped me see how vulnerable life can really be and that helps me appreciate it much more. Many times normal, ordinary people share stories about things in their lives that move you. Corrigan’s book, The Middle Place touched me like no other book I had ever read. Between breast cancer and losing our parents we seem to come out on the other side feeling so much more blessed.
  
  

  
  
  And Isabel…you probably know her as Elliot Stabler’s TV wife on Law & Order: SVU. She writes about her perfect life…that is until her husband leaves her for another woman. She shares her heartbreak and her turnaround. Books like these help us see our worlds in a different light.

But let’s not forget how fun it is to read fiction! I love authors like John Patterson, J. K. Rowling, and Dan Brown, to name just a few. Reading fiction lets our imaginations run wild and we should always allow that every once in a while, wouldn’t you agree? Reading about fantasy allows us to escape for a while and let’s face it…it’s entertaining.

If you think you don’t have time to read…guess again. Put a book on your night stand by your bed…even if you read a chapter a night. I am never without my iPad in my purse. I have books right at my fingertips when I am sitting in the doctor’s office, waiting for a meeting, whenever you have five minutes…use them to grow your mind! I promise you won’t ever say it was a waste of time…

Happy Father's Day!

Me and My Dad (Richard) in 2002!

Tomorrow is Father's Day! How many of us struggled communicating with our parents when we were growing up, especially Dad.

One thing I learned growing up with my Dad is this…he only wanted to make me better. His love for me was so great that he never stopped telling me how great I could be.

Some would say that he constantly criticized…I chose to interpret it as something entirely different. My Dad was a wise man…he had lived a whole life before me and had many more experiences than me…so when he gave me advice or his suggestion about how to handle a problem or how to do something, I took his advice and I used it or I didn’t; but I always respected his opinion and I always took it into consideration when I made my decision.

I loved to talk to my Dad. When I moved to Florida I think that my Mom and Dad were devastated. I know my Mom is…she tells me all the time. But my Dad would call me almost every night that my Mom worked. Home alone he knew that he could always call and talk to me. I remember sitting out on the patio by the pool in the evening after I got home from work and chatting with my Dad about everything.

He would tell me about the flowers he bought for the yard, about what he was carving in his shop, and anything else that came into his head…we could always just talk about absolutely nothing. I miss those talks with my Dad…we were so much alike and enjoyed the same things so we never had a problem talking. I am so thankful for that part of my relationship with my Dad.

One thing that I loved about my Dad was his skill for cooking, shopping and decorating. At the drop of the hat he could go shopping and decorate a room. I inherited that trait from my Dad…his flair for decorating and his and my Mom’s flair for cooking. My Dad had a feminine side to him and that was the part that I connected with…the funny thing is that growing up I am not sure that I saw or even knew that he had this special gift. As I grew into a woman I slowly began to see this sparkle within him. I also think, as he grew older he became more softer, more emotional and more open.

I saw this when I had my first child…he was so in love with Kyle. This child could do no wrong…and the same followed with all the other grandchildren. He loved them all. I remember when he brought the grandkids from Maryland with him to our home in Florida for a visit. The day my Dad left to head home, he met me at the top of the steps. I was coming out of my bedroom. He hugged me like he had never hugged me before. He kissed my cheek and told me that he loved me. I remember that day like it was yesterday…I will never forget it.

My Dad passed away from a massive heart attack a few weeks later…I miss him every day and I hate that he died at the age of 62…he never got to see Kyle’s wedding and to meet his new wife Tara. I hate that he didn’t get to see the beautiful young woman that Kate has grown into and that he never got to meet Jaelynn, her daughter…his great granddaughter and more than anything… I don’t get to chat with him at night anymore…

Happy Father’s Day Dad…I miss you!